Sunday, August 30, 2009

Rip Goes The Weasel

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___"Weasels Rip My Flesh"
(1979)___

Director/Writer/Producer: Nathan Schiff
Starring:
(Inspector Cameron)John Smihula
(Dr. Sendam)Fred Borges
Tag Lines:
Unfortunately since this is a home made film, there was no poster made for it. Well there is the art on the DVD, but theres no tag lines on it, so I decided to make my own here
SEE! Mutant Weasels mame and kill
SEE! Diabolical experiments that defy nature!

This is the kinda film you find deep in the dark unlit section of either your local independently owned video store, or thrift store. First off, this is a home made film. Shot on Super 8 video with a cast of friends and family, this is the baby of film maker Nathan Schiff. For those of you who don't know who this man is, he grew up in Long Island, and started filming at age 11. Between ages 11-16 he had made a total of 20 short films. At 16 Nathan started his first feature length film "Weasels Rip My Flesh". Now the idea of Weasels ripping flesh has been around for quite some time. I like to think the first appearance of that fraise came from a Pulp magazine called "Man's Life". The cover has a man running through a lake, and is being attacked by a bunch of weasels. In the corner in tiny text is the words "Weasels Ripped My Flesh". This came out in September 1956. Later on Frank Zappa put out a album album of the same name which came out in 1970. Inspired by the magazine, the art on the cover depics a man shaving with some weasels. Now this film came out in 1979, so I don't know if he was inspired by any of those, or maybe something else I don't know.
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Well getting back on Nathan Schiff; after Weasels, Schiff then made "Long Island Cannibal Massacre" (1980), and "They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore" (1985). All these films, by the way, are on DVD thanks to "Classic Cult Cinema" the same people who put out The Astro Zombie DVD. Schiff made 2 other films, which I don't believe are on DVD. Those are "Vermilion Eyes" and "Abracadaver!" (2008). Now the interesting thing about this DVD of "Weasels" is the fact they have a commentary track on it with Mr. Schiff talking about how the film was made, and the history behind it which is actually pretty interesting. They also have interviews, and other short films by Mr. Schiff. Worth a watch.

The movie revolves around a space craft that lands on Venus, and takes some kind of radioactive material from the planet, and goes back to earth. Unfortunately the craft malfunctions and crashes into the sea. Well of course the things gonna crash, its a god damn model! Well some kids spot the crash, and come over and check it out. There they find a canister full of some radioactive goop. One of the kids is then bitten by a weasel, who runs into a hole. They decided to get back at the Weasel and decide to dump the goop into the hole. The goop lands on the Weasel, which looks ridiculous. From what I learned, its made of clay; and mutates him. The mutant weasel then comes out of the ground, and kills the two kids. You never see the creature, outside the arms, which look..I don't know. Like some kind of a brown Paper Mache, clay, foam mess, shaped into arms. The creature then runs off into the street, and has its arm cut off by a car.
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The man in the car, who's named Fred, decides to take the arm. Why he did that, I don't know. There he takes a sample of the arm, and studies it. Is he a scientist? I have no idea, but he seems very interested. His friend, Jake, comes over to see the arm. Anyone notice how nearly every guy in this movie has some sort of mustache? The arm magically comes to life, and disappears. Apparently if you cut it up, it will just grow into a new monster. The arm bites one of the guys on the leg. Is that even possible? Well this turns Jake into a rabid Weasel zombie. He kills Fred and chops off his arm. Jake runs off, and is never seen again. News breaks out on the deaths by the Weasels. This leads us to, if you want to call them it, the heroes of this film.
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Two agents appear on the scene, and by agents, I mean two guys with shades. Shades, and Mustaches, and both talk either Eastwoodian, or New Yorkian. The agents are stoped by, if you want to call him it, a Mad Scientist. The mad scientist, Dr. Sendam looks like the younger, skinnier brother of Ron Jeremy. I mean even John Carradine had a lab coat, but no, Dr. Sendam wears a regular ole shirt. Dr. Sendam holds the two agents in side his underground lab. Or if you want to get technical, the basement of the film makers house. Dr. Sendam's goal is to find a way of using the weasels DNA, and make himself immortal. This leads to some experiment scenes, most consisting of the Dr. taking blood from a "Corpse". I say "Corpse" mainly because you can clearly see the cadaver movie, and breath. Whenever he takes blood from people, its one of the fakest things I have ever seen. First off when he Supposedly takes blood out from people, you can see him move the needle. Its bad.
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Well Dr. Sendam injects the Weasel serum into one of the agents, which he got from this big nest he has of little mutant Weasels. The serum turns Agent into...Its nearly indescribable. Its like when you see a potato, with that weird rotten shit coming out from it, that's what it looks like. Its a million miles away from what a Weasel looks like. The other agent gets loose from his restraints. Dr. Sendam comes with a rake and hits the agent in the face, he then shoots the Dr. 4 times in the back. This really doesn't effect either of them much, as you see the Dr. run off, and eventually get attacked by the Weasel mutant. The Mutant smashes his head against a wall, leading to a pretty good gorey splatter on the wall. But once again, it doesn't really effect him much. The Dr. then runs into another mutant, where that came from, I don't know. But you only see half of it, and it kinda looks like a shark. It also is probably one of the worst monster I've ever seen. The thing bites off the Dr.'s arm, and yet he still acts as if nothing happened. The agent burns all the other weasels and they all escape the base. The two Weasel mutants then duke it out against each other. The agent chases the Dr. near the edge of the sea, shoots him a few more times, and still nothing. When I start to question if this movie will ever end, out of NOWHERE, a shark comes out and takes the Dr.'s other arm and kills him. So it took multiple shots, trauma to the head, both arms being ripped off, and a shark mauling to kill the Dr.
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The movie ends with the agent walking off and a black and white "THE END" credit abruptly appearing. There is no real credits, but there is a pretty cool inserted ending the company that put the movie out inserted. In it they play this great song, which unfortunately for me, they never credit the song. Bastards. This really was a strange experience, since the movie is so strange. It doesn't have much talking, and has that feeling of old Grindhouse flicks like Astro Zombies, and Don't Look In The Basement! But is far far more cheap. I also cant explain exactly what is happening in the beginning of the film. Its like he accidentally edited another film into the beginning of this one. Now This movie is only for people who like watching rare and unusual films, or big fans of Bad films. Otherwise I would skip this. But I will applaud the man for getting the film made, and having decent gore effects, most notably arms being cut off. I also had one of the longest laughs ever during the shark attack. Really didn't expect that at all! The film is entertaining, mainly on the fact that it is so absurdly bad. After saying all this, I would gladly get any other films by Nathan Schiff, that is if I can find them.

Overall:
Gore: 3/5
Effects:2/5
Scares:2/5
Monsters:4/5
Best Scene: I'm gonna have to say the shark attack. That was just phenomenal.

3 out of 5

Just because I had fun while watching it.

Poster:
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Quote:
"Some people wish they were never born, others kill others out of hatred or madness, and then there is the meat."

One Watch Isnt Enough..

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____"The Stuff"(1985)___


Director & Writer:Larry Cohen

Starring:
(David 'Mo' Rutherford)Michael Moriarty
(Nicole)Andrea Marcovicci
(Jason)Scott Bloom
('Chocolate Chip' Charlie)Garrett Morris
(Colonel Spears)Paul Sorvino

Tag Lines:
"Enough Is Never Enough"
"It's smooth and creamy. Its low calorie and delicious. And it kills. It's The Stuff!"

"WARNING! If you see The Stuff in stores... call the police. If you have it in your home... don't touch it...get out. The Stuff is a product of nature... a deadly living organism. It is addictive and destructive. It can overcome your mind and take over your body... and nothing can stop it."


"It'll change your life forever"
"Are you eating it ...or is it eating you?"

One Watch isn't enough for the Stuff, this movie is just pure cheesy fun. From "Schlock Meister" Larry Cohen, as the DVD deems him. Who is the man behind such films like..
"Q: The Winged Serpent"
"Black Caesar"
"It's Alive" series
"Maniac Cop" series and more.


The Stuff is a horror movie, and social commentary on consumerism, and mainly attacks dessert. There is even a scene where they blow up a McDonald's. The movie revolves around a food product found by 2 miners by accident who tasted the strange white goopy material and decide to sell it because it tastes so good. So imagine the blob mixed with Yogurt, that's pretty much what the stuff is basically. People devour the stuff and if you eat enough, it takes control of you mind and you become a slave to the Stuff. The movie opens up with two miners who stumble upon the Stuff in the snow, escaping out of the earth. If its alien or human is never said, but it is most likely some sort of Alien. They decide to sell the Stuff, and it becomes a hugely popular desert that beats all others. One of the main reasons the Stuff did so well was because of its marketing campaign. You see a lot of the commercials and billboards for the stuff through out the movie which are very 80's. The Ice Cream company angry they are losing so much money from the Stuff decide to hire a former FBI agent to go and get information on what exactly the stuff is. That agent is David 'Mo' Rutherford. Why is his name that?
"They call me that 'cause when people give me money, I always want mo'."

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I didn't expect him to be that great of a character at first, but he really grew on me. Mo is pretty damn bad ass in the film. Meanwhile a kid named Jason one night finds the stuff in his fridge move. He then goes on a personal mission to get rid of the evil white goop. So he goes to his local supermarket and trashes the stuff. From knocking down shelves of it in Supermarkets, to throwing the stuff on the floor. Mo tells his girlfriend Nicole about his new job, mainly because she is the head of marketing for the stuff. Mo then goes off to find some clues on the stuff. While out in a strange town looking for answers about some missing executives, he runs into Chocolate Chip Charlie. Chocolate Chip Charlie ran the Chocolate Chip food business until the stuff put him out of business. He's also played by Garrett Morris, who you might know from Saturday Night Live. His character in this movie, is awesome. Constantly reminding you that his hands are "Deadly Weapons" and going around kicking peoples asses. They get in a fight with some of the Stuff-Zombies and it leads to some great gore, with one mans head half kicked in and some stuff oozing out of peoples heads. That's one thing I really enjoyed while watching this, is the gore and effects. Some of the scenes with the Stuff moving is really cool. But some scenes have some obvious green screening, like when Nicole and Jason run from the stuff.

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Mo then hears about the incident at the market with Jason. Meanwhile Jason is being harassed by his family, which have become Stuff-Zombies. Jason escapes and Mo takes him away. Mo then takes a plane to where the Stuff factory is. There he poses as a journalist along with Nicole to find out a little more about the stuff. When he doesn't get good answers he decides to follow the trucks the bring the stuff from the mining area. There he takes one of the trucks of the stuff and blows up the mine. He takes the truck to a military base. There he meets Colonel Malcolm Grommett Spears. Hes a paranoid rouge colonel who runs a army, and a radio station. Hes into the conspiracy theories and is slightly racist. With the Colonel, Mo, Nicole, and Jason take down the Stuff and show the truth. Sadly Chocolate Chip Charlie doesn't survive, and dies in a pretty crazy scene. The stuff is banned and destroyed, which by the way, is only killed with Fire I believe. The ending is Jason and Mo going to the head of the Stuff company after it being rebelled against. They learn of their plan of remarketing the Stuff as "The Taste". Mo and Jason make the Presidents of the company eat the stuff and walk away as, what I believe is the police coming. The last scene is a group of smugglers selling the stuff illegally.

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The movie is a great 80's campy horror film, with great characters and some great lines. The effects were good, and the message was decent. Larry Cohen really did a great job with this film, and it really shows how much fun the 80's was for horror. The film has a few problems, but I really didn't find any real problems with it. I never felt bored, it was a good entertaining light horror. though it had some freaky scenes like Charlie's death, which is ridiculous. I kinda got tricked by the cover of the film. I thought it was actually a "Melt" movie, because on it it has a guy melting with the stuff coming out of his eyes and mouth. I actually think that's never in the movie. If you like crazy fun horror films this is for you, and I promise wont leave you regretting it.

Overall:
Gore:3/5 Very little, but when it did, it was effective.
Scares:1/5
Villians:2.5/5 Theres not too much to the Stuff-Zombies
Best Scene: Chocolate Chip Charlie's death

4 out of 5

Poster:
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Quote:
"No one is as dumb as I appear to be."
"Don't you know who I am? I am Chocolate-Chip Charlie! My hands are registered with the mid-New Jersey police as lethal weapons, and I eat them guns for breakfast!"
"I will permit this colored man to speak. But speak one word of the Commie party, or one word in code, and I will blow his head off."


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Astro Schlock

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__"The Astro-Zombies"
(1968)__

Director: Ted V. Mikels
Starring:
(Satana)Tura Satana
(Dr. DeMarco)John Carradine
(Holman)Wendell Corey
Tag Lines:
"Dismembered Bodies, Transplanted Organs, Are Used To Create The..."
"See Astro Space Laboratory"
"See Brutal Mutants Menace Beautiful Girls"
"See Crazed Corpse Stealers"
"See Berserk Human Transplants"
"Terrifying"
"So Shocking You Will Die A Thousand Deaths"
"Ghastly Terror"
"Unbearable Bloody Horror"
"Beautiful Girls Mutilated"
"Grotesque Terror"

Now most people know of this movie Astro Zombies from a little band called the Misfits. A song named "Astro Zombies" was on their first full-length album "Walk Among Us"(1982). While not being a big fan of the band, I didn't really find out about this film from them. I first heard of the film while looking up old horror movie trailers. I stumbled across it, thought it looked cool. Well I finally got to see this movie and its definitely not what I expected.

The film is directed by Ted V. Mikels, a director known for his low budget horror films like
Blood Orgy of the She Devils(1972)
The Corpse Grinders(1972)
Girl in Gold Boots(1969)
The movie was put out as part of a series called "Classic Cult Cinema" which has put out his movie Corpse Grinders, and the movie "Weasels Rip My Flesh".


The film opens up with a girl driving up into her garage only to be attacked and killed by a Astro Zombie. Astro Zombies look like Skeleton monsters who are green, have little plates on their head, black eyes, and..some kind of mouth plate thing. I have no idea exactly how they end up looking the way Astro Zombies look, and they never really explain it. They're powered by the sun and use these little plates on their head to get the energy of the sun. Without it they die. You also never see more then one Astro Zombie, so my only conclusion is they could only afford one costume. I should have known what I was getting into during the opening credits. The opening credits are made up of scenes of a bunch of old wind up toy robots walking around on a sidewalk. Now I actually kinda liked the opening, but why little toy robots? There are no robots in the movie. I would have just been happy with a red screen and some letters. Now to the plot. After being fired from a Space Agency, Dr. DeMarco(played by John Carradine) and his assistant, steal dead bodies and turn them into the "fearsome" Astro Zombies. Why, John Carradine why!? Billy The Kid and now this? I will say this movie is better then Billy The Kid, mainly because I was never really bored as I was when watching Billy The Kid. Now John Carradine is a great actor, but his scenes are just long and unneeded. I also for the life of me, could never figure out what his assistant's name was. Every time someone said his name it changed. At first I thought it was Sancho, then Santo, then Chacho, and ect. I don't know. After looking it up his name is actually Franchot. FRANCHOT? Besides the fact his name is hard to understand, the man made me laugh every damn time I saw him. I mean he looks like hes glazed with grease.
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Meanwhile theres a evil group of lead by Tura Satana, who you might remember from the Russ Myer film "Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill!", who are trying to find out the secret behind the Astro Zombies. Her and her 2 goons, who's names I don't know, kill a man and take some audio notes about the Astro Zombies. Shes trying to figure our where Dr. Demarco is, and get control of the Astro Zombies. Where the hell is Dr. Demarco anyway? it looks like the basement of one of the crew's house. Now about Santana, shes a ruthless killer who is determined to get control of the Astro Zombies. Whenever you see her shes always in some various pose, like shes in a photo shoot. You also got to love her outfits, which are pretty god damn bizarre.. When one of the nurses at a hospital, Laboratory thing, is killed by a Astro Zombie. The her co-workers become worried and decide to get to the bottom of who did it. Now what I can make out of it, is the Astro Zombies are actually hunting this a woman named Janine. The other Doctors decide to use her as bait to find out where the Astro Zombies are coming from. When that plan didn't work, she goes home and is kidnapped and taken to Dr. Demarco's lab. Meanwhile Tura Satana and her men have arrived at the lab. They demand that Dr. Demarco give control of the Astro Zombies to her. Now wait, so hes been ordering the Astro Zombies to kill..why? Is it because he was fired, because hes angry at the scientific world, or is he not evil at all? I don't know, this movie kinda confused the hell out of me.
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This is where shit gets crazy. Santana kills Dr. Demato and Franchot, then the Astro Zombies go crazy and start to kill all these people, and shove Santana in a machine, and its INSANE! Then it ends with some more robots. Thats how the whole movie should have been! What the hell!? The whole movie runs really slow till the end which is fucking awesome! Now this is a cheap movie, with a lot of things going against it. A kinda hard to follow plot, not that much gore or nudity, besides a long dance sequence with a girl at a club. I mean the lab looks like its in the basement of the directors house. With a title like Astro Zombies, I really expect more then what I saw. I expected the Astro Zombies to be aliens invading the earth, who go around with Machetes hacking people up. Most of the kills you don't even see, its off camera, except one really hilariously bad decapitation at the end. The crazy thing is theres two sequels. Yes, director Ted V. Mikels in 2002 made a direct to video sequel of this film called "Mark of the Astro-Zombies". I haven't seen this movie yet, but by the looks of it, the Astro Zombies have better costumes. I also have heard of a 3rd movie coming out Mr. Mikels, making this a trilogy. Now If your a fan of Z grade, trash cinema, this is for you. While not being an exceptional B-Movie, it never really bored me. But the fact there is so little with the Astro Zombies, it really hurt the movie for me. I just wish I could have seen more of the Astro Zombies, and a little more hack and slash.
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Overall:
Gore:2/5
Villains: 1/5
Survivor Girl:3/5
Best Scene: The long naked dance sequence, or the Astro Zombie taking a machete to a guys head.
3 out of 5
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I will say these are some awesome posters.

Alternate Titles:
Space Vampires
Space Zombies


Jason Lives..again

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____"Friday The 13th"(2009)___


Directed by:Marcus Nispel
Starring:
(Clay Miller)Jared Padalecki
(Whitney Miller)Amanda Righetti
(Jason Voorhees)Derek Mears
Tag Lines:
"Welcome to Crystal Lake"
"Jason lives. Many will die."
"Prepare for the day everyone fears..."
"You know his name. You know the story. On Friday the 13th, witness his resurrection..."

Alternate Titles:
Friday the 13th Part 12
Friday the 13th Part XII

I saw this film on the day it came out at my local theater with my brother. Us being big fans of the series and owning every DVD in it, felt like we were obligated to see it. Now I doubt people have not seen this film yet, but those who haven't let me give you a general idea. First things first, this is not a remake of the first movie, its a remake of the first 3 films. Since they completely skip over the first film. Which pissed me off, mainly because that kinda gets rid of they mysterious element of the first film. You obviously know its Jason and not his Mother.

Now the plot is after the event at Camp Crystal Lake, Jason's mother Pamela killed the camp councilors because of the fact her son drowned there because of two councillors fucking. She got her head hacked off by Alice. Now skip a head a bit, a group of teenagers go out into the camp for a night of partying, fucking, and smoking. This is where the movie shows its true colors, being really just a big fucking stereotype. Well of course this cant go on much longer since Jason starts to kill them all. The best kill probably being the person in a sleeping bag thrown into a fire. Skip ahead more. One of the victims brother, Clay is out looking for his sister Whitney. He runs into another group of teenager, which are also a bunch of partying, sex crazed, pot smoking stereotypes. They go up to a house near the camp owned by Trent, a douche bag. The only other character that's barley important is Jenna.The other members of the group don't really matter, since they don't accomplish anything, and are just there for a body count.
One of the main problems is the mystery and impact of Jason is completely missing. The traditional "k-k-k...Ma-Ma-Ma" music is gone as well. Instead here we have a by the numbers slasher flick. Another problem in the movie, and the Friday the 13th series is they try to hard to work off the stereotypes in slasher film. Frankly i think this started right around Jason goes to hell, and was even worse in Jason X, as you can tell by the hologram scene. Another thing is in the old movies, there wasn't really any sex or nudity. In fact if I remember correctly the first Friday the 13th film to have nudity was number 5. I don't want characters to be partying, sex crazed, pot smoking douche bags, that's been done to death. Its not like the film doesn't know that either because it comes off like its trying to parody that aspect of the slasher genre. Ultimately failing and making it just another shitty horror film. Another thing is the characters are dull. They're the ultimate stereotypes, doing nothing interesting and saying nothing interesting. Also how does a mongoloid kid like Jason grow up to be this master strategist and built all these fucking tunnels!? Though I really didn't mind him running that much in this film. But in a way it felt strange to see Jason run at his victims for once. The mystery behind Jason is gone because hes been such a big popular culture icon that it dulled his presence in the film. I will say his look wasn't too bad. Kinda reminded me of a homicidal Sloth from the Goonies. By the way he does wear the sack mask in this, but ends up with the Hockey Mask in the end.
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The remake really just brings more sex and nudity, that's it. The kills are lack luster, and unmemorable, besides the camp fire kill. Also the ending is a horrible, horrible throw back to the first film's ending. The problem with it is while the ending of the remake is predictable and ineffective. The ending of the original actually freaked me out when I first saw it. Its unexpected mainly because it really was unexpected. I would have rather liked to see Jason's decapitated body come out of the water holding her head better. So to rap it up, skip the remake, and just stick with the original because its not bringing anything new. Also the new Jason was okay, but I still like Kane more.

Overall:
Gore: 2/5
Nudity: 4/5
Scares: 2/5 Too many jump scare scenes.
Body Count:13 clever eh?

2.5 out of 5

Poster:
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Quote:
"Hey. Now, this is a real man's sport. You're even curved to the left, like my penis."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Posterama 2: Animals

Some more Animal Themed posters for you.

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