Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Massacring the Massacre

____"Woodchipper Massacre"(1989)___
Directed by:
Jon McBride
(Jon)Jon McBride
(Denise)Denice Edeal
(Tom)Tom Casiello

Tag Lines:
"How much flesh would a Woodchipper chip, if a Woodchipper could chip flesh? "

We have touched on shot on video films very lightly here. We had Weasels Rip My Flesh, and Microwave Massacre. Both made really cheap, and both being fairly good film for what they are. Now here we are with another Shot-on-video film, Woodchipper Massacre. Made by Jon McBride who wrote, directed, and composed the film; and played the character Jon. He made a few other films, some of them with a some of the people in this film. I saw this film not really expecting it to be very good. Massacre movies usually don't have a good rep beyond Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but I was surprised with what I saw. Like many other massacre movies, not many people actually are killed. This was made during a time when a lot of these shot-on-video films got released into stores. This movie was put out on VHS in 1990 and on DVD in 2007.

The film is about 3 siblings; Jon, Denise, and Tom. First things first, and this stuck right out to me right away, is the fact Tom looks fucking weird. Thats a strange looking kid; he looks like a mix between Chris Kattan and Chuckie from the Rugrats.
Hes also the youngest, and Jon, the oldest. They are left home alone when their father leaves them a few days with their bitter old aunt. Another thing is that all the kids are pretty different. The kids acting is okay, and aside from some bad dialog, the characters arnt that bad. Now the film came off to me as more of a satire on horror films, then a horror film. First off is the opening credits, which are kinda like the ones in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The opening credits talk about how there are some crimes that are so flawless that they never get solved, and how this is one. The movie takes a long time for some action to start. You get some power tool usage early on, but its for doing chores, not slaughtering. You get to learn about the characters. Tom is a typical young kid who's waiting for his mail order Rambo knife. Denise is a typical teen girl obsessed with her social life and Mike Taylor; and Jon you don't really go too into. Then there is Aunt Tess, a old bitter hag who's a religious freak and verbally abusive. I don't know if she actually looked like it or if it was the quality, but she looks yellow. Her hair also looks like a yarn ball. Well she comes right in and right away is a bitch. She torments the kids for half the film, until finally shes shut up when she stabs herself in the stomach. Her character came off to me as a parody of religious freaks and old people who just don't understand the modern world. When Tom finally gets his Rambo knife, aunt Tess tries to take it away and eventually accidentally kills herself with it. This is where the movie kinda wins me over in a way. Mainly for the fact that they have them acting really ridiculous when they find out the fact shes dead. First off no ones really that effected by her death, especially Denise. She gets easily distracted when she gets a call from dream boat Mike Taylor. Well they finally come to a conclusion on what to do with the body, and they come up with cutting her up and throwing her in the woodchipper. One of the big problems with the film was the fact you don't get any real gore at all. Some blood, and a few cut off body parts, but nothing you can sink your teeth into. Thats my problem with this film, is if it had some more gore, and a better budget I really would have liked this film more.

So they cut her up, put her into a freezer and then throws her into the woodchipper. If your gonna through someone into a wood chipper, wouldn't you see remains, I mean whatever you put in it comes out again. Everything seems okay for the kids now, but that's quickly put to rest as Tess's son Kim, a psycho who just got out of prison. He comes over and is just a dick to the kids, cursing and threatening them; he even hits Jon with a stick. Well the kids do away with him quickly as they throw him into the woodchipper. Well heres another thing that doesn't make sense to me that much. If you throw someone into a woodchipper, the blades should be covered in blood afterwards. So wouldn't it look weird to their dad when he comes back, looks inside the woodchipper and sees gore. I dunno, I'm not gonna question this movie too much. So with little time before their dad comes home, they get rid of Kim's car and clean the house. Now I enjoyed the movie more then I thought I would. Some of the dialog had me really laughing, mainly because some of the things they say are so god damn ridiculous. Now on the subject of dialog, the sound, oh my the sound. The sound in the film is horrible, it makes it very hard to see. You cant really complain too much knowing how it was made, but nice sound would have made a world of difference.

The whole movie has a feeling of a demented public broadcasting after school special. The music is decent, better then a lot of shot-on-video music. I didn't really like the sound of the keyboard Jon McBride used, but its okay. The music is another reason why I really got the feeling of a public broadcasting channel from watching this. If you like bad movies, then you should check this movie out. Its far from a great film, but its a really fun film.

Body Count:2

3 out of 5

"What a Space Cadet"


  1. Your tweet was right earlier, he does look like Kris Kattan.


  2. Man, that screenshot with the Ratt poster in the background is beyond comprehension! I think I'm definitely going to dig this one out of my "to watch" pile sooner rather than later.