Monday, May 4, 2009

Nuked Puke


_______"Microwave Massacre"(1983)_______

Director:Wayne Berwick
(Donald)Jackie Vernon
Tag Lines:
"They came to find they were it!!"
"The worst horror movie of all time"

What can I say about a movie that promotes itself as "The Worst Horror Movie Of All Time" right there on the cover in big bold letters. The funny thing is, that its sorta right. This movie is awful..but for some reason, its so awful, and horrifyingly sleazy and cheesy..That I actually like it. I'm kinda torn on this film, first I disliked it, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the film. First off this is one of the many, many, many movies that have "Massacre" in their names. Others are Nail Gun Massacre, Massacre, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wood Chipper Massacre, ect. The movie also goes into the cannibal territory as Donald eats people in the film.

Now first things first, yes the title is very alluring, but dont judge a book by its cover. Heres the horrible fact about this movie, which pisses me off. Its the fact no one ever is killed with a Microwave. What the hell? If I were to see a movie called "Microwave Massacre", I expect there to be some kills done by Microwaves! If someone was killed with a Microwave, that would make my day, I would have loved this film. But sadly thats not the case with Microwave Massacre.

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Now to the plot of this culinary catastrophe; Donald is a regular down on his luck construction worker who's got a fugly old wife May; who cant handle just making a regular old sandwich. Every scene they're in together feels like a really bad episode of Married With Children, just not as entertaining and everyone is much older. I mean every line is a one liner, and the way Donald says them, hes comes off like he himself doesn't give a shit about the script. Later when I looked him up I found out that's his Shtick, that he would say the most ridiculous stuff and have a straight face, pure dead-pan humor. I swear if someone wandered into this film without knowing its a horror movie would mistake this for a bad sitcom. But that's were it starts to get to me, because I actually like the fact that every line is a ridiculous one liner. I mean they're not good at all, these are horrible jokes, but that's why I like it, I love low brow, crap humor. Hey, wait a minute, there's something strangely familiar about Donald's voice. Why, its reminds me of a certain snowman's voice..

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Yes the man who portrays Donald is actor/Comedian Jackie Vernon who is actually god damn funny, but why is he in this movie? The only answer I thought up was money; I mean that's how they got John Carradine in movies like Astro Zombies, and Sylvester Stallone in "The Italian Stallion". The director of the film is Wayne Berwick, this being his first film he ever directed, but not his last. His last would be a film by the name of "The Naked Monster"(2005) which, by the looks of it, looks just as Cheesy as this film. Some of the other actors in the film went on to do some more movies, like Al Troupe who went on to L.A. Heat and the movie "Feast"(1992), Marla Simon went on to assist Direct a movie called "the Jar", and John Harmon who after this went onto "the Naked Monster", but before that had been on a number of old TV shows.
The begging shot of the movie, is the skeleton of a woman, who I guess is supposed to be Evelyn; May's sister. We'll get to why I think that later, don't wanna ruin it just yet. Well after this rather unpleasant opening it cuts to a woman walking and then the title comes up, all set with some bad music. This pretty much prepares you for what this movie is going to be..And well its really something.
Well after this titillating opening credits it cuts to the protagonist of the film, Donald. He is sitting on a pile of wood at his work, which is construction. Preparing himself for the strange meal his wife just prepared him. When out of the blue, a girl just got her tits stuck in the fence. After seeing this, you can tell where this movies gonna go; these kinds of films are called "3 B-movies"(Blood, Beasts & Breasts). A lot of B-movies in the 80's and 70's, why? boobies.

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I think its funny that she gets stuck in a hole peculiar shaped like two breasts on fence. Also how come she cant get them out? theres obviously enough room as you can see to the right.

The story drags on and on, and no kills until over 30 minutes into the movie. The beginning is just character development, which is strange since there really isn't that much to these characters. Its mainly just Donald hanging out with his friends, getting wasted at a bar and Donald's home life. Nothing really happens, but it does start some pretty strange side stories. One about the bartender Sam, who doesn't like to hear his customers problems, and has hemorrhoids. Then the side story about Donald's strange neighbor, who if shes not having sex, is gardening with...A vibrator?! Fuck Donald, I want to know what the hells happening with that chick! Well Donald gets so tired of his wife's food experimentation, and verbal abuse that he decides hes had enough, and kills her in a drunken rage.

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The next day he wakes to find May, in their new microwave. Once seeing it he does the logical thing. Cuts her into pieces, and keeps her rapped in foil in a freezer. Donald decides to try some of his wife, and cooks and eats her. He also decides to feed May to his co-workers at his job. You would have thought people could tell the difference when eating a human foot, but no. His alibi as to why shes gone is that they're getting separated. Well he starts to run out of May meat, and has been going out much more with his friends to Sam's bar, he picks up a girl at the bar. He picks up a whore named Dee Dee Dee. What the hell kind of name is Dee Dee Dee?Its like her father stuttered when naming her. Or is her first name Dee, second Dee, and Last name Dee.
Well once taking her home, Donald proceeds to fucking Triple Dee and Kills her in the process of it with a pillow. Donald then chops her up, though they never really show it, the gore in this movie is surprisingly low for a 80s movie called MICROWAVE MASSACRE!
Well after this Donald lives the Psychopathic American dream, Fucking girls, killing them, and then eatin 'em. He explains why with this "Well, the only problem is, I can't make love to a woman, unless I eat her".
That's the rest of the movie: Getting Girls, Fucking Girls, then Eating Girls. There isn't really anyone trying to stop Donald, or any real motive besides the fact hes a hungry and horny. Well something goes wrong one night, and Donald nearly has a heart attack while killing a girl, and decides its time for a check up, there he gets a pace maker from Dr. Von Fool, which keeps him from dying. Hes also being haunted by May's head, which he kept mainly because of sentimental value. It moves around from place to place, and has a hilariously bad facial expression that makes me laugh everytime. Donald also will have occasional visions of him spreading Mayo all over a naked girl on his kitchen table. May's sister, Evelyn then visits and demands to see her sister, worried something happened. Donald ties her up and gags her with a loaf of bread. Yes, Bread. The food gags in this movie really wear me down, its so many jokes. Donald's body count grows when he gets Chick, a foreign girl in a chicken suit, and a Asian girl, Susie. Also here's a strange fact I learned from this movie, apparently Asian girl meat is bonier(Is that even a word?) then others. Well while getting ready for a night on the town with his friends, he passes out and dies while chopping up his latest victim. Its explained that bad wiring in the microwave, fucked up his Pace maker. You assume its the head of may that did it, esspecially when they ended it like that. This is another thing that pissed me off a lot about this film. He doesnt even get a cool comeuppance! No im not accepting that, im gonna make up my own ending. Donald trys to get the girl next door, only to be killed himself with the same dildo she was gardening with, and gets eaten by the girl. There much better ending then fucking heart failure!

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On a positive note, the credits made me laugh having characters called "Le Nurse", "Dr. Von Fool", ect. Well overall the movie is bad..its really, really, bad, but its still entertaining. If you can get your hands around this film, I recomend a rental at bet, or if its under 7 bucks. Or if your a fan of really bad movies. Otherwise skip it. When you do see it, make sure you have a friend or two. The gore is very light, but the cheesiness and nudity will make it entertaining for you. Or just see it for the fact that it has Frosty the Snowman fucking and eating people.

Deaths/Gore:1/5 There's barley anything.
Villain:1/5 Jackie Vernon isn't a very intimidating person
Best Part: Sexual gardening and Sam expressing his hate for people in his bar.
Final Verdict:

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2 slabs of meat out of 5

Just a fun movie, great for a party, or if you just like B-Movies.

Body Count:
2.)Dee Dee Dee

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Donald: I'm so hungry I could eat a whore.

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