Sunday, May 31, 2009

No Teeth No Glory

___________"Billy The Kid vs. Dracula"(1966)__________

Directed by: William Beaudine
Starring: John Carradine

..Yeah...Theres no trailer, why am I not surprised.

"The Newest in Terror-tainment! SHOCKORAMA"
"The West's deadliest gunfighter! The world's most diabolical killer!"

Well I heard of this movie, and its reputation, and thought to my self "Jesus that seems like a horrible movie" And..well..It is.

Lets get some insight on this film first, probably is one of the earliest signs, of a Vs. movie, which has been very popular now with films like Freddy vs. Jason, AVP, and Demonic Toys Vs. Puppet Master. But it isn't the oldest, which would probably be Frankenstein meets the Wolfman.
This film is also a sub genre, that really isn't my favorite..that Horror Westerns, for some reason its a bad combination.

Now the director of this schlock fest is William Beaudine, who has made crap tons of movies. They nick named him "One Shot" on the fact he would usually take one take of a scene, regardless of mistakes. He directed episodes of Lassie, Green Hornet and Naked City. His last 2 films were surprisingly this and another, which I might get to called "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter".

Now on to the film.
First thing I noticed about it was the case it came in, here's a picture:

I mean come on.. just look at that, its a joke. As you can see its obviously not the real case, in fact its just the case to "007: Tomorrow Never Dies" turned inside out and written on with a sharpie. Another funny thing is they even misspell Carradine, calling him John Carridine. Another thing that bugs me is the fact he couldn't even get a good sharpie, look at that thing its fading. Another thing that shows me this is obviously home made is theres just one sticker on the side of the cassette with the name of the film.

Now that we've gone over all that crap, lets get to the film.
So this movie is about Dracula(John Carradine) who for some reason is in the old west. After seeing a picture of a girl named Betty Bentely, he goes off to find, and covert her into a vampire. One problem though, Billy the Kid. Billy's girlfriend just so happens to be Betty, and hes not willing to give her up any time soon. Dracula makes his way to town, and I love this part because it foreshadows the pure shlockiness that is to come. Dracula swoops into a bar, as a bat(A rubber one, with wires you can see)turns human right in front of everyone, and its day time..Oh my.
Well Dracula decides to get a room at this inn/bar, under the pseudonym James Underwood. Wait isn't that what Frodo calls himself in the "Lord Of The Rings"? Anyway, so while in the bar a German immigrant family see Mr. Underwood and nearly shit a brick, and accuse him of being a Vampire. It always seems the foreign people always know about Vampires and how to kill them.
Meanwhile Billy is giving up his life of crime, and murders, and doesn't seem mean, tough or intimidating what so ever in this film, hes actually a pretty polite and nice guy who never loses his temper. Huh.
Well back at the saloon you find out that a wagon with Betty's family was attacked by Indians. Dracula uses this to pretend to be Betty's Uncle. Why not just call himself James Bentely since that's Betty's last name. That night Dracula attacks the German family, and kills their daughter. This act makes them positively sure that Mr. Underwood is a Vampire. The German family then go to work for Betty, so they can try and stop Dracula.

Dracula, who is staying with Betty, starts to mess with Betty, trying to hypnotize her and other various things. This makes Billy suspicious, so him and the German family, try to think of ways of protecting Betty from this Vampire menace. Betty however doesn't believe in all this vampire business and thinks her "uncle" is a very nice man.
The ways they protect her are putting Wolf bane around the rooms. Why the old lady had Wolf bane is a mystery. Betty gets rid of all the Wolf bane and is visited by Dracula at night, where he hypnotizes her, makes his head turn orange, then bites her. The next morning they find her with bite marks, shocked they send her to the local Doctor. Billy is then arrested for murdering a man at a local bar by the towns incompetent sheriff. How come all westerns always have the fat incompetent sheriff who doesn't do doodley squat?
Without Billy there to protect Betty, Dracula comes and steals Betty away from the hospital by calling the Doctor a "Backwoods pillslinger", then makes a stupid face, goes "Raaaauhhh" and runs out of the room. Wow..
Doc tells the sheriff about Dracula, and Billy escapes by threatening the Sheriff with a gun. This confuses me also, because why didn't the sheriff take it away when he booked him?..Also why not use the gun earlier? Well Billy, Doc and the Sheriff rush over to the abandoned mine to stop Dracula who is nearly done converting Betty into a vampire. Once there Billy gets in a brawl with Dracula who kicks Billy's pansy ass up and down the cave finally knocking him out with a headlock. Who knew Dracula was a wrestler. Next Doc and the Sheriff come and the Sheriff finally does something, but fails at it. He trys to shoot Dracula, but no luck. Billy awakens and trys to shoot him too, like its gonna be any different for him. As a last ditch effort he throws his gun, and... REALLY!? Throws the gun? WHEN DOES THAT EVER..EVER WOR-
Oh shit.
The gun knocks Dracula out..hilariously by the way, and Billy shoves the steak in his heart, and saves the day.

Seriously...Your gonna tell me that he throws a gun and some how that works!? Of course, bullets don't do shit, what you really ought to do is throw a fucking gun!
This movie is HORRIBLE. Its not even the mildy entertaining horrible, its just bad..End of story. Worst of all they have a good actor like John Carradine in this! Why, why, why..Only reason I came up with is money. Another thing is the acting, is actually pretty decent, its just ruined by how painfully DULL all the characters are in this film. I mean maaan is this boring. Nothing happens, its just a lot of dull scenes, with the occasional fight. Why not more stuff with Dracula? Also John Carradine as Dracula just seemed weird to me. Through out the whole film I was wondering if he was gonna end up tying Betty to a railroad track or something. Also why call it "Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula"? There is never any mention to the fact the villain is Dracula, hes just called a vampire, and Uncle James.

SO so many problems..But the biggest is the fact hes out in the sun, when hes a bat, it painfully obvious its a fake, and why doesn't he have vampire teeth? I mean seriously there wasn't enough money in the budget for fake teeth!? I mean they could have just glued the tips of plastic forks on his teeth, but no..

Gore:0/5 There is none
Villain:2/5 His facial expressions crack me up
Hero:1/5 Billy The Kid's such a puss
Survivor Girl:2/5
Effects:1/5(The orange face bit made it 1/5)


1 Out of 5 Rubber Bats


Billy: I'm awful sorry to hear about your daughter. How did it happen?
Eva Oster: My Lisa is dead. The marks of a vampire are on her throat.
Billy: Vampire?

Billy: What's wrong with her, Doc? What are those marks on her neck?
Dr. Henrietta Hull: Well, if I didn't know better, I'd say it was the work of a vampire.
Billy: Vampire?

No comments:

Post a Comment