Sunday, May 31, 2009

No Teeth No Glory

___________"Billy The Kid vs. Dracula"(1966)__________

Directed by: William Beaudine
Starring: John Carradine

..Yeah...Theres no trailer, why am I not surprised.

"The Newest in Terror-tainment! SHOCKORAMA"
"The West's deadliest gunfighter! The world's most diabolical killer!"

Well I heard of this movie, and its reputation, and thought to my self "Jesus that seems like a horrible movie" And..well..It is.

Lets get some insight on this film first, probably is one of the earliest signs, of a Vs. movie, which has been very popular now with films like Freddy vs. Jason, AVP, and Demonic Toys Vs. Puppet Master. But it isn't the oldest, which would probably be Frankenstein meets the Wolfman.
This film is also a sub genre, that really isn't my favorite..that Horror Westerns, for some reason its a bad combination.

Now the director of this schlock fest is William Beaudine, who has made crap tons of movies. They nick named him "One Shot" on the fact he would usually take one take of a scene, regardless of mistakes. He directed episodes of Lassie, Green Hornet and Naked City. His last 2 films were surprisingly this and another, which I might get to called "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter".

Now on to the film.
First thing I noticed about it was the case it came in, here's a picture:

I mean come on.. just look at that, its a joke. As you can see its obviously not the real case, in fact its just the case to "007: Tomorrow Never Dies" turned inside out and written on with a sharpie. Another funny thing is they even misspell Carradine, calling him John Carridine. Another thing that bugs me is the fact he couldn't even get a good sharpie, look at that thing its fading. Another thing that shows me this is obviously home made is theres just one sticker on the side of the cassette with the name of the film.

Now that we've gone over all that crap, lets get to the film.
So this movie is about Dracula(John Carradine) who for some reason is in the old west. After seeing a picture of a girl named Betty Bentely, he goes off to find, and covert her into a vampire. One problem though, Billy the Kid. Billy's girlfriend just so happens to be Betty, and hes not willing to give her up any time soon. Dracula makes his way to town, and I love this part because it foreshadows the pure shlockiness that is to come. Dracula swoops into a bar, as a bat(A rubber one, with wires you can see)turns human right in front of everyone, and its day time..Oh my.
Well Dracula decides to get a room at this inn/bar, under the pseudonym James Underwood. Wait isn't that what Frodo calls himself in the "Lord Of The Rings"? Anyway, so while in the bar a German immigrant family see Mr. Underwood and nearly shit a brick, and accuse him of being a Vampire. It always seems the foreign people always know about Vampires and how to kill them.
Meanwhile Billy is giving up his life of crime, and murders, and doesn't seem mean, tough or intimidating what so ever in this film, hes actually a pretty polite and nice guy who never loses his temper. Huh.
Well back at the saloon you find out that a wagon with Betty's family was attacked by Indians. Dracula uses this to pretend to be Betty's Uncle. Why not just call himself James Bentely since that's Betty's last name. That night Dracula attacks the German family, and kills their daughter. This act makes them positively sure that Mr. Underwood is a Vampire. The German family then go to work for Betty, so they can try and stop Dracula.

Dracula, who is staying with Betty, starts to mess with Betty, trying to hypnotize her and other various things. This makes Billy suspicious, so him and the German family, try to think of ways of protecting Betty from this Vampire menace. Betty however doesn't believe in all this vampire business and thinks her "uncle" is a very nice man.
The ways they protect her are putting Wolf bane around the rooms. Why the old lady had Wolf bane is a mystery. Betty gets rid of all the Wolf bane and is visited by Dracula at night, where he hypnotizes her, makes his head turn orange, then bites her. The next morning they find her with bite marks, shocked they send her to the local Doctor. Billy is then arrested for murdering a man at a local bar by the towns incompetent sheriff. How come all westerns always have the fat incompetent sheriff who doesn't do doodley squat?
Without Billy there to protect Betty, Dracula comes and steals Betty away from the hospital by calling the Doctor a "Backwoods pillslinger", then makes a stupid face, goes "Raaaauhhh" and runs out of the room. Wow..
Doc tells the sheriff about Dracula, and Billy escapes by threatening the Sheriff with a gun. This confuses me also, because why didn't the sheriff take it away when he booked him?..Also why not use the gun earlier? Well Billy, Doc and the Sheriff rush over to the abandoned mine to stop Dracula who is nearly done converting Betty into a vampire. Once there Billy gets in a brawl with Dracula who kicks Billy's pansy ass up and down the cave finally knocking him out with a headlock. Who knew Dracula was a wrestler. Next Doc and the Sheriff come and the Sheriff finally does something, but fails at it. He trys to shoot Dracula, but no luck. Billy awakens and trys to shoot him too, like its gonna be any different for him. As a last ditch effort he throws his gun, and... REALLY!? Throws the gun? WHEN DOES THAT EVER..EVER WOR-
Oh shit.
The gun knocks Dracula out..hilariously by the way, and Billy shoves the steak in his heart, and saves the day.

Seriously...Your gonna tell me that he throws a gun and some how that works!? Of course, bullets don't do shit, what you really ought to do is throw a fucking gun!
This movie is HORRIBLE. Its not even the mildy entertaining horrible, its just bad..End of story. Worst of all they have a good actor like John Carradine in this! Why, why, why..Only reason I came up with is money. Another thing is the acting, is actually pretty decent, its just ruined by how painfully DULL all the characters are in this film. I mean maaan is this boring. Nothing happens, its just a lot of dull scenes, with the occasional fight. Why not more stuff with Dracula? Also John Carradine as Dracula just seemed weird to me. Through out the whole film I was wondering if he was gonna end up tying Betty to a railroad track or something. Also why call it "Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula"? There is never any mention to the fact the villain is Dracula, hes just called a vampire, and Uncle James.

SO so many problems..But the biggest is the fact hes out in the sun, when hes a bat, it painfully obvious its a fake, and why doesn't he have vampire teeth? I mean seriously there wasn't enough money in the budget for fake teeth!? I mean they could have just glued the tips of plastic forks on his teeth, but no..

Gore:0/5 There is none
Villain:2/5 His facial expressions crack me up
Hero:1/5 Billy The Kid's such a puss
Survivor Girl:2/5
Effects:1/5(The orange face bit made it 1/5)


1 Out of 5 Rubber Bats


Billy: I'm awful sorry to hear about your daughter. How did it happen?
Eva Oster: My Lisa is dead. The marks of a vampire are on her throat.
Billy: Vampire?

Billy: What's wrong with her, Doc? What are those marks on her neck?
Dr. Henrietta Hull: Well, if I didn't know better, I'd say it was the work of a vampire.
Billy: Vampire?

B-Music:Blind Man's Penis

John Trubee - Blind Man's Penis

A song written by John Trubee, and preformed by Ramsey Kearney, is one of the sickest songs Ive ever heard, and its just plain hilarious. The greatest thing about this song, is the fact the singer does this straight, no laughing, just serious.

The song, originally going to be called "Peace and Love" was about Stevie Wonder's Penis.


From Inside My Storage

So here's some of the crap I pulled out of my dads storage shack(Its practically a shack)
1.)Demon Wind(With holographic box)VHS
2.)Day Of The Dead VHS
3.)Signs VHS
4.)Flesh Gordon VHS
5.)Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula VHS
6.)Varney The Vampire Book
7.)Son Of The Golden Turkey Book
8.)Creepshow Comic(Which I will be posting more of soon)
9.)The Beast VHS
10.)Return Of The Living Dead 2 VHS
11.)Hercules VHS
12.)Phantom Of The Opera VHS
13.)Eating Raoul VHS
14.)Sigmund The Sea Monster VHS
15.)A Bride Of Frankenstein poster
16.)A King Kong Poster
17.)A Werewolf Of London Poster
18.)5 Fingers Of Death/King Boxer VHS
19.)A Frankenstein hand puppet
20.)A Rat Fink Doll
21.)A Signed Giger Necronomicon
22.)A prop from the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey"

So that's pretty awesome..looking forward for reviews of these.
(Thinking of doing Billy The Kid Vs. First)

Monday, May 25, 2009

Hillbilly Hijinks


______________"Motel Hell"(1980)___________

Directed by:Kevin Connor
Rory Calhoun
Nancy Parsons
Nina Axelrod

Tag lines:
"Meat's meat and a man's gotta eat."
"Visit this tasty "meating" place if you dare..."
"It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent fritters."
"Checking in is easy ... Checking out is hell."
"You might just die...laughing!"

Motel Hell, the dark comedy/horror slasher film is about Farmer Vincent Smith who runs his own Motel, named Motel Hello(The O flickers on and off)with his sister Ida. Besides being the owner of the Motel, Vincent also has his own Jerky which is considered the best in the county. But there is more to these two country bumpkins then meets the eye, Vincent and his sister put booby traps in the streets around the motel and trap random pedestrians and make them into jerky. How do they go about doing that? First by knocking them out, digging a hole, burying them in said hole, cutting out their vocal cords(which leaves them making a horrific noise that sounds like a Gremlin hitting puberty)Then seasoning them after a period of time with kill them using hypnotism and rope and turn them into jerky.

Both of our villians in this movie seem to have no real remorse for their actions and even seem to enjoy it a little too much. They kinda say how Vincent and his family got started in this mess, by telling a story of his grandma who would turn practically anything into jerky, and that Vincent smoked a local dog. Besides Ida, Vincent also has a younger brother sheriff Bruce, who seems to not know of their evil deeds, and is ignorant to it till the end of the film.
Now lets get to the story. Vincent while walking out around his motel/farm sees a motorcycle accident, involving 2 people. One a Blondie girl named Terry, and the other, the driver, who is a big biker guy.
Terry finds out by Vincent her boyfriend was "Killed" and decides to stay with them. This is the middle section of the movie and during this its mostly just filler to get to know more about Vincent, Ida, and Terry. This is done by showing Vincent and Ida capturing more people, and Bruce and Terry going out on a date. Even though Bruce likes Terry, it isn't mutual as she fell in love for Vincent. Ida getting jealous of Terry attempts to kill her once she learns Vincent might tell her how they make the meat and try to replace her. She then trys to drown Terry in the river, but before she could do it, Vincent saves the day. This leads to some breast shots, and Terry and Vincent planning to get hitched. giving her a shelter and being so kind. Bruce finds out about this and rushes over to Terry to tell her not to marry Vincent, claiming he has "syphilis of the brain" which leads to more breast shots. Vincent scares Bruce out by threatening him with a shotgun. That night they drug Terry so they can make some more jerky. Bruce still mad about this whole situation decides to check on some strange things he noticed, and finds evidence that something not kosher is happening in his Brother's place.

One of the victims gets out of the ground and frees the others and go and try to find Ida and Vincent. Meanwhile Bruce is going to warn/save Terry from Vincent. While telling Terry Ida knocks Bruce out and shows Terry whats exactly going on there at the farm/motel. Vincent sends Ida to get Bruce but is then attacked by the Jerky Zombies(Which is my name for them) and knock her out. Vincent straps Terry to a conveyor belt and trys to kill her. He is interrupted one one of the Jerky Zombies come in threw the sealing and attacks Vincent, but from being in the ground for so long, is killed by Vincent. Bruce wakes, and gets one of his brother's shotguns, then proceeds to the meat packing room, but finds his brother with a giant chainsaw and is wearing a pigs head as a mask. This leads to a big fight sequence Gun vs. Chainsaw, then Chainsaw vs. Chainsaw. If I've learned anything from horror movies with chainsaws is chainsaw fights are awesome, Period. While this is all happening Terry is slowly moving forward to her possible death. Bruce manages to hit Vincent with the chainsaw, mortally wounding him. Bruce rushes and saves Terry and then stays by Vincents side and he gives his soliloquy where he says the specail ingredient in his meat is..Preservatives.


Bruce and Terry find Ida head down in a hole, and go to the front of the motel. Terry suggests they burn the motel, saying it's evil, and as if on cue the sign saying "Motel Hello" finally shorts out, darkening the O and leaving a flurry of sparks leaving the name of the motel "Motel Hell".
Ive been wanting to see this film for awhile now and finally got it in a two pack along with the film "Deranged" which I will get to another day. This movie really surprised me, I loved the humor, the witty dialog, the music, the acting all very good. This is probably now one of my favorite Slasher movies. Also loved the cameo by radio personality Wolf man Jack(As Reverend Billy) For being a horror comedy, its good. For being a slasher/killer movie its a interesting entry and doesn't really follow stereotypes most do. Another funny thing about this movie is there really isn't that much gore or blood, and only about 6 people die in the film.
4 and a half Pig heads out of 5


Now ill leave you with this song:
Kregg Nance - You're Eatin' Out My Heart and Soul

"Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications of these actions" - Vincent Smith

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Monkey Business

The Lonesome Stranger is maybe one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Besides the fact its a western parody, its a fucking Monkey Western! I mean jesus how do you think this up? Genius, whoever made this is a genius.
Well the story basiclly is a tale of a lone hero called The Lonesome Stranger, a parody of The Lone Ranger, obviously. The Lonesome Stranger goes to help little orphan fanny, which is an obvious Little Orphan Annie parody(and both are also radio shows)Well Little Miss Fanny has been behind on her morgage and asks the lone ranger to help, him on his dog steed(I love this) goes off in search of a way of getting Fanny the money she needs to pay off the morgage. This short has some great fight scenes, and 2 wounderful song scenes. I also love the animated mouths on the monkeys, genius, also kinda reminds me of somthing..( )

Well just wanted to share this to you guys.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Creepshow Comic scans

I found this while digging in my dads storage, and decided to share it with all you out there.

More coming soon

Review Of The Living Dead

________"Night Of The Living Dead"(1968)_________

Directed By:George A. Romero

Duane Jones(Ben)
Judith O'Dea(Barbra)
Alternate Titles:
Monster Flick
Night of Anubis
Night of the Flesh Eaters
Just some weird little tid bits...

Well the first of 5(So far) horror movies revolving around the dead living again because of a radiation from a satellite. Each of the first three movie's titles all have to do with a time of day like Night, Day, Dawn. But Romero's last two have broken away from that and instead put land and diary.
This is the first movie to really show zombies as they will be perceived from then on out in cinema. Before in movies had people turned into zombies using Voodoo and a two special powders used on people. The first, coup de poudre (powder strike), includes the poison found in puffer fish. The second powder is composed of dissociative like as datura, as shown in "The Serpent and The Rainbow". "White Zombie" one of the earliest zombie movies starring Bela Lugosi depicted zombies as sad looking, shambling humans who are used as slaves.
Now in modern cinema zombies are stumbling walking corpses who cant usually talk and eat flesh/brains of humans and infect the human by biting them and making them into a zombie.(similar to rabies)
Now lets get to the film
This movie starts with Barbra and her brother Johnny go to visit the grave of their father, when Johnny is attacked by a zombie and killed, in a panic she drives off but she accidentally rams the car into a tree. Eventually ends up in a strange abandoned house where main character Ben is. Ben is a African American and is just trying to survive this thing as best he can. Hes a good leader, a sensible person, and pretty god damn bad ass. Him and Barbra stay there as they listen to how bad the situation is. They find out that the dead have been resurrected by radiation from a satellite and are eating people. Anyone who dies during the crisis of causes unrelated to brain damage, will return as a flesh-eating zombie, including anyone who has been bitten by a zombie. The only way to destroy the zombies is to destroy the brain. Barb and Ben are soon joined by several others. They all seem to be taking this badly, ague and behave wildly. They all try to escape this nightmare but fall one by one to the zombies.
The movie is a classic, and is one of my favorite zombie movies and by far is the best out of the series in my opinion. The remakes of this movie ill get to later.
Zombies:3/5(the effects weren't anything amazing in this movie, but it was a very low budget film and the zombies are still cool looking.)
Body Count:
2.)Ben(He gets it the worst..)
4.)Many Many Zombies
5.)Harry Cooper
7.)Helen Cooper
8.)Karen Cooper
5 Garden Shovels out of 5

Tag lines:
"Pits the dead against the living in a struggle for survival!"
"They keep coming back in a bloodthirsty lust for HUMAN FLESH!..."
"They won't stay dead!"
"They're coming to get you...again!"


"They're coming to get you Barbra!"

[Thanks to Electric Frankenstein for clearing up the Anubis thing.]

Nuked Puke


_______"Microwave Massacre"(1983)_______

Director:Wayne Berwick
(Donald)Jackie Vernon
Tag Lines:
"They came to find they were it!!"
"The worst horror movie of all time"

What can I say about a movie that promotes itself as "The Worst Horror Movie Of All Time" right there on the cover in big bold letters. The funny thing is, that its sorta right. This movie is awful..but for some reason, its so awful, and horrifyingly sleazy and cheesy..That I actually like it. I'm kinda torn on this film, first I disliked it, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the film. First off this is one of the many, many, many movies that have "Massacre" in their names. Others are Nail Gun Massacre, Massacre, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wood Chipper Massacre, ect. The movie also goes into the cannibal territory as Donald eats people in the film.

Now first things first, yes the title is very alluring, but dont judge a book by its cover. Heres the horrible fact about this movie, which pisses me off. Its the fact no one ever is killed with a Microwave. What the hell? If I were to see a movie called "Microwave Massacre", I expect there to be some kills done by Microwaves! If someone was killed with a Microwave, that would make my day, I would have loved this film. But sadly thats not the case with Microwave Massacre.

<span class=

Now to the plot of this culinary catastrophe; Donald is a regular down on his luck construction worker who's got a fugly old wife May; who cant handle just making a regular old sandwich. Every scene they're in together feels like a really bad episode of Married With Children, just not as entertaining and everyone is much older. I mean every line is a one liner, and the way Donald says them, hes comes off like he himself doesn't give a shit about the script. Later when I looked him up I found out that's his Shtick, that he would say the most ridiculous stuff and have a straight face, pure dead-pan humor. I swear if someone wandered into this film without knowing its a horror movie would mistake this for a bad sitcom. But that's were it starts to get to me, because I actually like the fact that every line is a ridiculous one liner. I mean they're not good at all, these are horrible jokes, but that's why I like it, I love low brow, crap humor. Hey, wait a minute, there's something strangely familiar about Donald's voice. Why, its reminds me of a certain snowman's voice..

<span class=

Yes the man who portrays Donald is actor/Comedian Jackie Vernon who is actually god damn funny, but why is he in this movie? The only answer I thought up was money; I mean that's how they got John Carradine in movies like Astro Zombies, and Sylvester Stallone in "The Italian Stallion". The director of the film is Wayne Berwick, this being his first film he ever directed, but not his last. His last would be a film by the name of "The Naked Monster"(2005) which, by the looks of it, looks just as Cheesy as this film. Some of the other actors in the film went on to do some more movies, like Al Troupe who went on to L.A. Heat and the movie "Feast"(1992), Marla Simon went on to assist Direct a movie called "the Jar", and John Harmon who after this went onto "the Naked Monster", but before that had been on a number of old TV shows.
The begging shot of the movie, is the skeleton of a woman, who I guess is supposed to be Evelyn; May's sister. We'll get to why I think that later, don't wanna ruin it just yet. Well after this rather unpleasant opening it cuts to a woman walking and then the title comes up, all set with some bad music. This pretty much prepares you for what this movie is going to be..And well its really something.
Well after this titillating opening credits it cuts to the protagonist of the film, Donald. He is sitting on a pile of wood at his work, which is construction. Preparing himself for the strange meal his wife just prepared him. When out of the blue, a girl just got her tits stuck in the fence. After seeing this, you can tell where this movies gonna go; these kinds of films are called "3 B-movies"(Blood, Beasts & Breasts). A lot of B-movies in the 80's and 70's, why? boobies.

<span class=
I think its funny that she gets stuck in a hole peculiar shaped like two breasts on fence. Also how come she cant get them out? theres obviously enough room as you can see to the right.

The story drags on and on, and no kills until over 30 minutes into the movie. The beginning is just character development, which is strange since there really isn't that much to these characters. Its mainly just Donald hanging out with his friends, getting wasted at a bar and Donald's home life. Nothing really happens, but it does start some pretty strange side stories. One about the bartender Sam, who doesn't like to hear his customers problems, and has hemorrhoids. Then the side story about Donald's strange neighbor, who if shes not having sex, is gardening with...A vibrator?! Fuck Donald, I want to know what the hells happening with that chick! Well Donald gets so tired of his wife's food experimentation, and verbal abuse that he decides hes had enough, and kills her in a drunken rage.

<span class=

The next day he wakes to find May, in their new microwave. Once seeing it he does the logical thing. Cuts her into pieces, and keeps her rapped in foil in a freezer. Donald decides to try some of his wife, and cooks and eats her. He also decides to feed May to his co-workers at his job. You would have thought people could tell the difference when eating a human foot, but no. His alibi as to why shes gone is that they're getting separated. Well he starts to run out of May meat, and has been going out much more with his friends to Sam's bar, he picks up a girl at the bar. He picks up a whore named Dee Dee Dee. What the hell kind of name is Dee Dee Dee?Its like her father stuttered when naming her. Or is her first name Dee, second Dee, and Last name Dee.
Well once taking her home, Donald proceeds to fucking Triple Dee and Kills her in the process of it with a pillow. Donald then chops her up, though they never really show it, the gore in this movie is surprisingly low for a 80s movie called MICROWAVE MASSACRE!
Well after this Donald lives the Psychopathic American dream, Fucking girls, killing them, and then eatin 'em. He explains why with this "Well, the only problem is, I can't make love to a woman, unless I eat her".
That's the rest of the movie: Getting Girls, Fucking Girls, then Eating Girls. There isn't really anyone trying to stop Donald, or any real motive besides the fact hes a hungry and horny. Well something goes wrong one night, and Donald nearly has a heart attack while killing a girl, and decides its time for a check up, there he gets a pace maker from Dr. Von Fool, which keeps him from dying. Hes also being haunted by May's head, which he kept mainly because of sentimental value. It moves around from place to place, and has a hilariously bad facial expression that makes me laugh everytime. Donald also will have occasional visions of him spreading Mayo all over a naked girl on his kitchen table. May's sister, Evelyn then visits and demands to see her sister, worried something happened. Donald ties her up and gags her with a loaf of bread. Yes, Bread. The food gags in this movie really wear me down, its so many jokes. Donald's body count grows when he gets Chick, a foreign girl in a chicken suit, and a Asian girl, Susie. Also here's a strange fact I learned from this movie, apparently Asian girl meat is bonier(Is that even a word?) then others. Well while getting ready for a night on the town with his friends, he passes out and dies while chopping up his latest victim. Its explained that bad wiring in the microwave, fucked up his Pace maker. You assume its the head of may that did it, esspecially when they ended it like that. This is another thing that pissed me off a lot about this film. He doesnt even get a cool comeuppance! No im not accepting that, im gonna make up my own ending. Donald trys to get the girl next door, only to be killed himself with the same dildo she was gardening with, and gets eaten by the girl. There much better ending then fucking heart failure!

<span class=

On a positive note, the credits made me laugh having characters called "Le Nurse", "Dr. Von Fool", ect. Well overall the movie is bad..its really, really, bad, but its still entertaining. If you can get your hands around this film, I recomend a rental at bet, or if its under 7 bucks. Or if your a fan of really bad movies. Otherwise skip it. When you do see it, make sure you have a friend or two. The gore is very light, but the cheesiness and nudity will make it entertaining for you. Or just see it for the fact that it has Frosty the Snowman fucking and eating people.

Deaths/Gore:1/5 There's barley anything.
Villain:1/5 Jackie Vernon isn't a very intimidating person
Best Part: Sexual gardening and Sam expressing his hate for people in his bar.
Final Verdict:

<span class=

2 slabs of meat out of 5

Just a fun movie, great for a party, or if you just like B-Movies.

Body Count:
2.)Dee Dee Dee

<span class=
<span class=

Donald: I'm so hungry I could eat a whore.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


I think I own Count Smokula's old fez...

I have the exact same Fez as him..strange.
For more Smokula fun visit his website: